I've compiled a list...

...of things that exist in my head that, make me happy to think about. Because I've been bitching all day long...

1) a cupcake with a yellow duckling on the top in icing.
2) a round-neck white cotton t-shirt with Ian Curtis*' face on it.
3) a handwritten letter from a friend with stickers and photos enclosed
4) a kitten wearing a tyrolean sweater and knitted bobble hat.
5) painting my nails with lavender-blue nail varnish, with tiny silver dots.
6) talking only in the present tense. "I am sleeping well, last night. I am having dreams. Let's shopping in Dubai"**.
7) a free ticket to any country that has Starbucks.
8) Marc Jacobs designing a shoe based on my wonderfulness, and Philip Treacy doing a matching hat.
9) sleeping late every day for the rest of my life.
10) papering my apartment walls with pale robin's-egg blue and eggshell-white lace.
11) breaking into exclusive books and stealing all the new books I can carry in a black bag, so many that my entire apartment smells of fresh paper and ink for a week.

Also, I would like my colleague to remove Toto's "Africa" as her cellphone ring. It's been a stressful day and that's just not helping.

* This is why google was invented.
** much like english is spoken in Japan.

The Betenoir Diet Plan*

One day not too long ago I was lunching with my mother at some faux-N'orleans-type restaurant at Cavendish square that I cannot remember the name of. We were debating the merits of various meal options, and my mother (who is convinced that she is fat**) was sighing over the fat content of most of the items on the menu, whilst pining over creamy things and spicy bacon delights.

It was at that moment I revealed to her my system of dietary beliefs that I have held dear for- well, most of my life. It's not so much an actual diet per sè, more a collection of wildly inaccurate and illogical... I suppose one could call them superstitions, that I have somehow incorporated into my life.

Anyway, here are the rules. Learn them, live them, love them, beyotches!

1. cold food is less fattening than hot food. think about it. a lot of cold food feels less fattening. fruit, ice lollies, juice, watermelon, ice cream... er... yah.
2. spicy food is less fattening than creamy or bland food. see, now this one is just logical: seen any obese Thai people lately? or Indian folks? Firstly, the spiciness eats away at your fat. True story. also you eat less, and more slowly, because it's so spicy! SO potato wedges, curry, Nandos and tom yum soup all count as diet foods! yay!
3. the wetter the better*** except when it comes to desserts. The runnier and more liquid a food is, the less fattening. So, beer is less fattening than soup, soup is less fattening than steak. I mean, Duh!
4. Chewier is better than squishy. firstly, you burn more calories by chewing more, you can't eat it as fast, and I mean, it's chewier so it probably has more protein and fibre and stuff, right? So, mochi is better than pudding, but pudding is better than a bar of chocolate (because it's runnier, okay?) Also crunchy foods are good- see lettuce, cucumber, cabbages and Crunchies.
   
5. if it tastes bad, it's good. this is one of things I thinm we all know subconsciously. Spinach is healthier than potatos, cod liver oil is healthiest of all. the only exception to this rule is poop, but then again who eats poop, right?****
6. the slower you eat, the better do I even have to explain this one? slower eating means more chewing, and also the stomach acid gets less diluted so it crappifies the food more effectively which is good for your metabolism.
7. lighter is better than heavier meringues good! meat loaf bad! See, these foods have more air in them and air contains zero calories.
   

there are more, many, many more, but at the moment they elude me. these are the main ones though, and as insane as they are, I feel compelled to stick by them. In any case, if anyone who doesn't have the metabolism of a mayfly wants to try them out and report the results here, I think we could make a lot of money...I mean, do a lot of good.

* not recommended for diabetics, people who actually want to lose weight, or New Zealanders.
** she is not, except for her giant boobs, which are giant¹
*** see what I did there? nice, huh?
**** well, except for each and every one of my exes, HAHAHAHAHA!²

¹ she's totally going to kill me now. umm...Happy Birthday for tomorrow mom!
² that's probably only funny to me, huh?

Smiling Confidence, I hear you ask.

Yesterday, I hit Woolies' for a Caramel Millionaire's Shortbread and lemony sparkling mineral water. I needed a sugary pick-me up, see, because I was feeling particularly grey and iffy*. I attribute this to the mussels I ate the night before, which were, coincidentally, the first mussels I've had since I returned from Japan. I dawdled along to the till, my iPod blaring (if I remember correctly) something by White Rose Movement. Oh, also, my hair was doing the thing whereby it expands into my personal space and risks being Punished**.

So, I hand over my money, half in another world***, noting vaguely that the teller has called me sweetie about three times. Resolve not to take it personally. Then she busts out with:"oh, such smiling confidence! Sweetie."

Wha-ha? Was my approximate reaction. "really? I was smiling?"
"yes! and with such confidence!", she replied, intimating vaguely that this was not necessarily a good thing, "Sweetie".
"oh, okay. Because I don't feel confident..."
"Well, it was a really big smile. You seemed so proud. Sweetie."

So, I walked out, gnawing on my Caramel Millionaire's Shortbread, which is never as good as you think it's going to be, right? And I was more than a little disturbed. Is this how it is? Am I not the person I thought I was? have I been exuding charm, confidence and friendliness, the whole time I thought was an established curmudgeon? This would, of course, explain all the random strangers, homeless people and crazies who strike up conversations with me when I'm (supposedly) doing Unapproachable Bitch.

This unconscious charm offensive, and external mantle of confidence would, you see, mean I'm turning into my mother****. Oh, god, do I bat my eyelashes and twinkle at people?

------

I would also like this opportunity to mock an advert which names Skip***** as an "international washing powder" OOOOH! Fancy! it's an international washing powder! That's almost like being a designer label!

* oh, crap, the half I didn't eat is still in my pocket. Note to self: do not wash jacket with chocolate still contained therein.
**not a typo.
*** actually, make it three-quarters.
**** hey, it works for her, but she likes not being a cranky little sod.
***** or Surf, or whatev, it's a washing powder, it makes bubbles, it smells okay.

Some Leave, with a little Break.

Aaaaaah. Religious holidays. A chance to bond with the family over dinner and field somewhat inappropriate questions about my love life from unexpected sources. A time to pause and reflect on my spirituality, and what it means to me.

a time for Matzos, Marmite, and ensuing constipation.

Pesach is fun because there's so much of it. Two days off at the beginning and one right at the end. Also, there's Easter right in the middle of it, so you get that as a public holiday. What's even more awesome is that both holidays are totally centred around food. Perhaps they aren't meant to be , but they are. Soup with Kneidlach, matzos with the aforementioned Marmite or Peck's Anchovette*, and herring. I don't actually like herring, and no, Mom, it's not like sushi.

Easter has the traditional Easter bunnies, creme eggs, marshmallow eggs**, and if you live in a country with it's priorities right***, marshmallow Peeps shaped like chicks. Also, many things covered with foil that must be ripped off an scattered around one's bedroom, to be discovered under your pillow weeks later, even though the linen has been changed twice.

So, to recap: yummy sweets, yummy savouries, and 7 days off with a Thursday of work in the middle. Not bad. Not bad at all.

*both of which are, I think, things that only South Africans, Brits and a few other colonials actually enjoy. And I'm not sure about the fishpaste. Does anyone else in the world actually eat it?
** the ones with caramel in the middle are the best, no question.
*** So not South Africa then.