Thursday, June 19, 2008

Anger of a Not-Unreasonable Nature.

kitteh via

I am incensed. Livid. Fuming. Enraged. Outraged. Infuriated. And quite cross. It’s been a tough couple of days*, I’m not feeling well, and I have a migraine; so the last thing I need is one of my “superiors” throwing a hissy fit because she’s standing out in the rain. Perhaps if she’d listened when I told her that David wasn’t going to get to her car for another five minutes, and had waited inside for a while, there wouldn’t have been a problem. But, no, Bytch gotta be a martyr, gotta wait in the rain and then call me on her cellphone to shrilly enquire why she was waiting in the rain. That was not a good conversation. It ended with me losing my temper** putting the phone down on her, and hastening to the ladies to scream for five minutes.

I came back, to find she had phoned me back to ream me out for putting the phone down on her. Apparently nobody does this to her. How dare I! The gall! The immaturity! The insult! So then I got a lecture, and had to apologise. My teeth quite ached from all the gritting.

With that in mind, a list of useful curses, for all occasions. Because you never know when you’re going to have to doom someone to eternal suffering through the use of dark forces and magick****.

Ye Olde Improv’d Liste of Quainte Curses.

  1. May the gods steal your feet and replace them with radishes.
  2. I hope your penis falls off in your oatmeal and you don’t notice and you eat it by mistake
  3. From this moment, the songs of Celine Dion will occupy your every waking thought.
  4. May you be infested with fleas in your anus hole, so that you must scratch there unendingly.
  5. May your chicken always be undercooked, and toilets unavailable.
  6. I hope you wake up with your head facing the wrong way so you can see how huge your arse is.
  7. May life bring you nothing but Brut aftershave, sport socks and Bles Bridges CDs.
  8. May you always vomit copiously upon your sexual partners.
*A bad time for electricity problems, I can tell you
** and I don’t lose my temper often, but when I do its ICBM*** time.
***Kaboom, beyotch.
**** I swear to god anyone who reads this and thinks I’m a Satanist: go away, you’re too stupid for this blog, you’re not wanted.



Blogger I are wearing the jean pant said...

Awesome. I think you should write a magik spell book. I'll buy.

12:23 PM  
OpenID livingladolcevita said...

Let the rage commenceth. It be cathartic.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Betenoir said...

jeanpant: you can join my coven. You're in charge of finding the crone.
dolce: so cathartic. I could vent my spleen all day and all night. I think there's a song in that, maybe.

12:55 PM  
Blogger Don't believe a word I write said...

Number 8 is a winner! The threat of vomit must never be taken lightly.

1:06 PM  
Blogger kyknoord said...

Can we add to the list?
May you grow taste-buds in your rectum

1:35 PM  
Blogger Charmskool said...

Good, excellent, wonderful curses! You should write many magick spells. I know you are cross but I laughed till tears ran. I hope the migraine is gone and the electrickery back on. I made some potion and said good spells for you.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Betenoir said...

DBAWIW: yes, vomit is actually worse than being shot. Or eaten by ogres!
Kyk: I think the Bytch already has those- hence her sour disposition.
Charmy Mummy: migraine is winning. But electrickery came back last night, so hot baths to follow.

3:14 PM  
Blogger The Blonde Blogshell said...

Remind me to NEVER get on your wrong side!!! *shivers*

oh and your well...genius! Can we make it law?

6:09 PM  
Blogger locket479 said...

You forgot "My heart bleeds peanut butter for you!" Best insult EVER!!

5:07 AM  
Blogger Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

may you have irritable bowel syndrome and be allergic to toilet paper.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why does that 'my heart bleeds peanut butter for you'thing an insult? o.o i think its funny, though im from mexico.
could someone please explain this to me?

8:27 AM  
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2:57 PM  

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