Neko

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Betenoir Diet Plan*



One day not too long ago I was lunching with my mother at some faux-N'orleans-type restaurant at Cavendish square that I cannot remember the name of. We were debating the merits of various meal options, and my mother (who is convinced that she is fat**) was sighing over the fat content of most of the items on the menu, whilst pining over creamy things and spicy bacon delights.

It was at that moment I revealed to her my system of dietary beliefs that I have held dear for- well, most of my life. It's not so much an actual diet per sè, more a collection of wildly inaccurate and illogical... I suppose one could call them superstitions, that I have somehow incorporated into my life.

Anyway, here are the rules. Learn them, live them, love them, beyotches!

  1. cold food is less fattening than hot food. think about it. a lot of cold food feels less fattening. fruit, ice lollies, juice, watermelon, ice cream... er... yah.
  2. spicy food is less fattening than creamy or bland food. see, now this one is just logical: seen any obese Thai people lately? or Indian folks? Firstly, the spiciness eats away at your fat. True story. also you eat less, and more slowly, because it's so spicy! SO potato wedges, curry, Nandos and tom yum soup all count as diet foods! yay!
  3. the wetter the better*** except when it comes to desserts. The runnier and more liquid a food is, the less fattening. So, beer is less fattening than soup, soup is less fattening than steak. I mean, Duh!
  4. Chewier is better than squishy. firstly, you burn more calories by chewing more, you can't eat it as fast, and I mean, it's chewier so it probably has more protein and fibre and stuff, right? So, mochi is better than pudding, but pudding is better than a bar of chocolate (because it's runnier, okay?) Also crunchy foods are good- see lettuce, cucumber, cabbages and Crunchies.
  5. if it tastes bad, it's good. this is one of things I thinm we all know subconsciously. Spinach is healthier than potatos, cod liver oil is healthiest of all. the only exception to this rule is poop, but then again who eats poop, right?****
  6. the slower you eat, the better do I even have to explain this one? slower eating means more chewing, and also the stomach acid gets less diluted so it crappifies the food more effectively which is good for your metabolism.
  7. lighter is better than heavier meringues good! meat loaf bad! See, these foods have more air in them and air contains zero calories.
there are more, many, many more, but at the moment they elude me. these are the main ones though, and as insane as they are, I feel compelled to stick by them. In any case, if anyone who doesn't have the metabolism of a mayfly wants to try them out and report the results here, I think we could make a lot of money...I mean, do a lot of good.

* not recommended for diabetics, people who actually want to lose weight, or New Zealanders.
** she is not, except for her giant boobs, which are giant¹
*** see what I did there? nice, huh?
**** well, except for each and every one of my exes, HAHAHAHAHA!²

¹ she's totally going to kill me now. umm...Happy Birthday for tomorrow mom!
² that's probably only funny to me, huh?

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10 Comments:

Blogger SheBee said...

hahahahahhahaaaaaaaa!!!

well i thought that was just brilliant!

4:55 PM  
Blogger Betenoir said...

thanks! hopefully it'll make up for the monkey urine!

4:59 PM  
Blogger SheBee said...

oh yay, it almost did

sob!

5:19 PM  
Blogger fuzzy logic said...

I remember that restaurant - I always found it suspicious that they sold sushi.

What about runny poo? Which category does that fit into?

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and laughter is the best medicine, right?

This had me in stitches, which is sort of ironic, since I just mentioned th--

anyway....JB Rivers. Their chicken fajita is yu-mmy.

9:13 PM  
Blogger Betenoir said...

runny poo tastes (i assume) awful, and is runny... so super-slimming. not recommended though....

9:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've just made a batch of spicy cod liver oil flavoured meringues. I feel healthier already.

10:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah I know I am pretty skinny and I do NOT have giant boobs. There is absolutely nothing abnormal about being a size 32DD. Well at least my back is skinny and that allows for more boobage before they show. thanks for the birthday wishes I ate all the light cakes, samoosas (very light and runny inside-ish) and moon pies (cheese things) but will eschew Kyk's codliver oil meringues ta.

1:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just got a birthday email from my department with a flower which had huge eyes and it keeps batting it's bloody eyelashes and twinkling - is this a plot?

1:31 PM  
Blogger Betenoir said...

....probably. How big were it's boobs?

2:21 PM  

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