Thursday, June 19, 2008

Anger of a Not-Unreasonable Nature.

kitteh via

I am incensed. Livid. Fuming. Enraged. Outraged. Infuriated. And quite cross. It’s been a tough couple of days*, I’m not feeling well, and I have a migraine; so the last thing I need is one of my “superiors” throwing a hissy fit because she’s standing out in the rain. Perhaps if she’d listened when I told her that David wasn’t going to get to her car for another five minutes, and had waited inside for a while, there wouldn’t have been a problem. But, no, Bytch gotta be a martyr, gotta wait in the rain and then call me on her cellphone to shrilly enquire why she was waiting in the rain. That was not a good conversation. It ended with me losing my temper** putting the phone down on her, and hastening to the ladies to scream for five minutes.

I came back, to find she had phoned me back to ream me out for putting the phone down on her. Apparently nobody does this to her. How dare I! The gall! The immaturity! The insult! So then I got a lecture, and had to apologise. My teeth quite ached from all the gritting.

With that in mind, a list of useful curses, for all occasions. Because you never know when you’re going to have to doom someone to eternal suffering through the use of dark forces and magick****.

Ye Olde Improv’d Liste of Quainte Curses.

  1. May the gods steal your feet and replace them with radishes.
  2. I hope your penis falls off in your oatmeal and you don’t notice and you eat it by mistake
  3. From this moment, the songs of Celine Dion will occupy your every waking thought.
  4. May you be infested with fleas in your anus hole, so that you must scratch there unendingly.
  5. May your chicken always be undercooked, and toilets unavailable.
  6. I hope you wake up with your head facing the wrong way so you can see how huge your arse is.
  7. May life bring you nothing but Brut aftershave, sport socks and Bles Bridges CDs.
  8. May you always vomit copiously upon your sexual partners.
*A bad time for electricity problems, I can tell you
** and I don’t lose my temper often, but when I do its ICBM*** time.
***Kaboom, beyotch.
**** I swear to god anyone who reads this and thinks I’m a Satanist: go away, you’re too stupid for this blog, you’re not wanted.


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Unrealistic Birthday Expectations

Kitteh via

In the grand tradition of the Romans, the Vikings, and Pirate Bob, I like to celebrate my birthday in style, and also by being showered with gifts. I don't mind what sort of gifts as long as they aren't groceries- it's more the spirit of the thing. Although, I was given a pot of mini highlighters by someone for my 30th birthday, which left me a bit nonplussed. Once you hit 30 the implication is that you can buy your own highlighters, and I haven't really used them much since uni anyway...

In any case. with two weeks to go, people are starting to make enquiries of the "what do you want, you materialistic cow* sort. With that in mind, here is my by-now-sort-of-annual list of birthday desires, in order from most likely and realistic to most extreme example of my lack of perspective.

  1. Large box of After Eight Mints** or Lindt Poivre Intense.
  2. Pillsbury Brownie Mix, although if you can track down some Betty Crocker Choc fudge Brownie mix, that would be AWESOME!!!!
  3. Selection of Cactus Pups from ToiToy at the waterfront.
  4. Vouchers/ gift cards from Exclusive books, Readers' Den or Zoom (shoeeeeeees!!!).
  5. Sandman 3- Dream Country by Neil Gaiman.
  6. Preacher 2- Until the End of the World by Garth Ennis.
  7. Fake Wayfarer sunglasses from YDE (black or cherry red frames).
  8. An electric blanket for a 3/4 bed. It's cold!
  9. Three-way foldable reflector (white silver and gold).
  10. Nintendo DS plus Nintendogs or WarioWare.
  11. Canon Eos 450d with wide-angle lens.
  12. Chloe Inez Box Clutch or Lady Dior Avenue Bag in orange .
  13. Tickets to Tokyo plus accomodation for ten days at the Keio Plaza (I like the Keio Plaza), so I can visit some people.

Oh, and, uh, world peace. And stuff.

*this is not rudeness, merely a statement of truth. although materialistoc ninja zombie pirate would be more accurate.
** Nom Nom Nom.