Let’s talk about genitals, shall we?

Oh good, another thing for me to have insecurities about.

This weekend I stayed over at the mum’s, house-sitting, and of course I became entranced by that most mellifluous of sirens, DSTV*. Firstly I would like to state that there is no need for that many sports channels. When you’re showing boules and darts and the annual Norwegian Mouse Toss**, at prime time, it’s time to scale back.

But my subject today *** is Dr 90210. For those of you who don’t already know, it’s a ‘reality’ show about plastic surgeons, and operations they perform, and in the case of Dr Rey, his anorexic, bobble-headed wife. In any case, there’s a sort of morbid fascination that daws me to this show…the graphic surgery scenes, the much- rougher- than- you- think- they’d- need- to- be fake boob insertions, and perfectly rational, intelligent people trying to justify for the audience why they really, really need this Botox.

I started to freak out a little, though, at the number of vaginal reconstructions. I mean... vaginal reconstructions! As far as I knew, you had to be a porn star or a mother of 12 or involved in some weird vagina-related car accident damage. But no, apparently now if your lady parts don’t look fresh out the box, you gotta hack at them with surgical steel. Nice. Also, apparently they can be too fat. I mean…seriously? You can have a too-fat ya-ya? Or it can be too …ah…flappy, and not just in a grandmotherly, “you’re 80 so what does it matter” way, no. If it aint how it used to be before the menses came a-callin’ ladies... SURGICAL STEEL!!!! HACKING!!!

Of course, being a lady, my first reaction was to start worrying. I spent at least three days eyeing my bits warily in the shower, trying to discern visible fat, or even possibly cellulite, because hey, Murphy’s law, right? This kind of behaviour was usually limited to my butt. Well, my butt and the weird blobs of fat on my back that appeared on my 25^th birthday. Also my ankles. And my Arms. But, these are normal insecurities, and I’d learned to live with them. But this…

You know, I could have gotten through my life without having to think about this.

*digital satellite TV, for you foreign type folk.
** this is what we in the biz call hyperbole, and it’s an exaggeration used to make a point. By the way I still have the flu. Just thought I’d mention it.
***hey! Got to it in under 3 paragraphs! New record!)